


Full Circle

by lvs2read



Series: Big Damn Story [3]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Firefly Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Consensual Kink, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kink vs Abuse, M/M, Non-Consensual Bondage, Past Abuse, Past Grooming, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Verbal Humiliation, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rape, Rimming, Sexual Abuse, Slash, They might be yours, kink gone wrong, old fic is old, relationship recovery, there will be tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25789108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvs2read/pseuds/lvs2read
Summary: Mal screws up big time, and Simon eventually has to explain the difference between consensual kink and non-consensual abuse to him while filling in a piece of his past.While the tags seem to indicate a lot of kink/abuse, the majority of this story deals with the aftermath of the first chapter, and how Mal and Simon rebuild their relationship after Mal crosses the line during kink.Story begins in December 2519, probably after Christmas since it doesn't come up.
Relationships: Kaylee Frye/River Tam, Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam
Series: Big Damn Story [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816306
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Going Too Far

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally written in 2006 and posted to the livejournal community the-pretty-fits. Beta'd by kis and vae, and inspired by blog posts by srichard, it's definitely heavy on the angst.
> 
> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> Edited slightly for continuity.

* * *

**Going Too Far**

Simon was standing - blindfolded, gagged and nude - in the middle of the bunk he shared with Mal. They'd been lovers for almost a year, and every time he needed to let go, Mal used this method to heighten his senses and make him feel so good he stopped thinking. At first they had only used Mal's red satin tie as a blindfold, but after some rude comments from Jayne when Simon shouted too loudly in release, they had added the gag - one of Simon's black silk ties that he no longer wore.

The last week had been rough. First, yet another job had not gone as well as planned. They'd been paid, though less than the agreed upon price, and there'd been a few minor injuries. Then River had gone off the deep end again. She'd screamed and rambled for three days and nights. Even the sedatives he'd given her hadn't helped for more than a couple of hours at a time. He'd tried everything he could think of to calm her, but nothing had worked. Then, suddenly, for no apparent reason, she'd stopped screaming and returned to normal - well, as normal as she ever was these days. 

In the meantime, though, he'd gotten tense past the point of being able to relax. All week he'd taken out his frustrations on Mal, fussing at him for getting injured, questioning his choices, arguing his methods. Earlier in the day, he'd even snapped at Mal about something stupid. Worse, he'd done it in front of everyone else. Since he and Mal had become lovers, he'd been careful to keep his opinions to himself in front of the others, but today it had just slipped out. He'd apologized right away, even though he still believed he was right, but the look Mal had given him had promised retribution.

So now, here he was, unable to see or speak. He heard Mal rummaging around in the room, like he was looking for something. _He knows I don't need anything but him to relax, so I wonder what he's looking for?_ There was a thunk of something being closed near the bed, then the fleeting feel of air moving over his skin, and Mal's voice in his ear.

"We're gonna do somethin' different tonight, _liànrén_. Hold out your hands."

Not sure he liked the tone he heard in Mal's voice, Simon hesitated, tipping his head in inquiry.

"I ain't askin'. Hold 'em out."

Simon reluctantly held out his hands, felt leather surround his wrists, heard buckles being closed and the sound of a chain jangling above his head. Even as he let Mal lift his hands, he cocked his head again - silently asking for an explanation.

"Tonight ain't just 'bout lettin' go. It's also 'bout learnin' control. You're in sore need o' discipline for that outburst earlier. Ain't gonna do anythin' I don't think you can handle, but if you struggle you'll just make it harder on yourself."

He heard the chain clipped to the cuffs, felt the pull of the leather around his wrists, and the tug in his shoulders from having his arms stretched above his head, even as he thought _Discipline? Struggle? No. He wouldn't. Would he?_ He heard the swish of what must have been his own belt being pulled out of its loops. _Oh, God. He would. No, Mal! No!_ Panicking, he grunted and shook his head frantically as he started to fight against the restraints.

Mal's hand was warm on his back. His own hands twisted in the cuffs, trying to get free. It hurt, but he didn't care. He couldn't just stand there and let Mal do this to him. _Don't do this, Mal! I'm sorry! I'll never do it again! Just…_

"Put up with a lot from you this week, _liànrén_. Know it's mostly on 'count o' River, but that ain't no excuse for the _gŏu shǐ_ you been layin' on me. That stunt you pulled earlier was the last straw. Told you before, less'n we're in a crew meetin', you got somethin' to say 'bout how I run this ship, need to do it in private. Since there weren't no crew meetin' goin' on, gotta find an effective method o' discipline. Can't threaten to toss you out the airlock, an' we'd both enjoy it too much if'n I threw you up 'gainst the wall. Doubt either of us'll enjoy this, but it's gotta be done. Help you remember t' stop and think next time 'fore sayin' somethin' when you shouldn't. Figure ten lashes with a belt oughta do it. Then I'll help you relax and feel good." 

A shudder went through him as Mal ran the belt down his back and he continued to struggle. The sharp sting of leather on his buttocks as the belt struck him caused him to jerk. Even as he hissed in pain, he resisted, constantly shaking his head. _No! Mal, please! Stop! I can't…_

Two more strikes in rapid succession. Then Mal's hand was running down his back. Mal's voice was in his ear.

"Breathe, Simon. Stop strugglin'. It'll be over soon."

 _Not soon enough. Oh, God! Please! No more!_ His wrists ached from pulling against the cuffs, and his arms hurt from yanking them, but he couldn't stop fighting back. 

The shock of leather striking his upper back made him arch in pain. Two more and he felt the muscles in his back begin to quiver. _OhGodOhGod! NoNoNoNo!_

Mal's hand at his waist made him flinch, and he tried to twist his body away. His head drooped, but he kept shaking it as he moaned and tried to breathe, his mind repeating the litany _Please be done. Please be done. Please be done._

"Almost done, Simon. If you'd just stop strugglin', it'd be better." 

Another strike on his buttocks, and his body began to betray him, as he had known it would. _No! I don't want this! I don't! Oh, God! Please, Mal! Stop!_ He kept groaning and shaking his head, continuing to fight, even though he could feel his strength ebbing.

Three more strikes, with his erection bobbing against his stomach at each one. He felt the tears build but swore he wouldn't break down. _I will not cry. I will not. Oh, God, Mal. I hate you. Please stop. I can't take any more._

He heard the belt hit the floor then Mal was in front of him, caressing his chest even as he tried to pull away.

"Hunh. Guess you did enjoy it. Conjure you deserve a reward then."

_Go to hell, Mal. I don't want a 'reward'. I just want out of here._

Even as he shook his head, he felt Mal's hand on his cock, deliberately jacking him off. _Looks like I don't have any say about that either._

He bucked helplessly as he climaxed on Mal's hand then stood, passive, as Mal kissed his cheek. 

"Knew you could handle it, _liànrén_. Time to make you relax."

_Fuck off, Mal. I don't give a damn what you think you know, and I sure as hell don't want to 'relax'._

He felt the pull on his arms give as Mal unhooked the chain holding them up. As soon as he was free, he jerked away from Mal, tearing off the blindfold and ripping the cuffs off. Throwing them across the room, he untied the gag and dropped it to the floor as he looked around for his clothes. 

Locating his pants - _To hell with underwear. I need to get out of here._ \- he slowly pulled them on, wincing as they came into contact with his buttocks. 

"Simon?"

He didn't even glance at Mal as he found his shirt and painfully put it on. _No time to button it. Just go._

"What are you doing?"

He gave Mal a scathing look. _What does it look like, you hún dàn?_

"Where are you going?"

 _Anywhere but here._ He walked slowly towards the ladder.

"You forgot your belt."

"Keep it. I don't want it anymore." He put one foot on the ladder.

"I don't understand."

"Don't you?" _Keep going. Don't look back._

"No."

He looked at Mal, eyes blazing in fury. "Let me keep it simple then. I won't be abused." He continued up the ladder, cringing at every step until he finally reached the top and escaped into the passageway.

* * *

_liànrén_ = lover  
_gŏu shǐ_ = shit  
_hún dàn_ = bastard


	2. Coming to Grips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon deals with the immediate aftermath of Mal's treatment, and Mal goes looking for advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.

* * *

**Coming to Grips**

Simon knew exactly what he must look like - barefoot, shirt hanging loose, wincing with every step - but he didn't care. He had to get away from Mal. He had to get to the infirmary for an analgesic for the welts on his back and buttocks. And he had to get to his old room so he could be alone. He just hoped he could do all that without meeting anyone.

_Shit. It figures._

"Hey, Doc. Looks like Mal wore ya out so much ya forgot half your clothes." Jayne leered down at him.

"Just drop it, Jayne." He didn't have the energy to fight right now.

"Wha's the matter, Doc? Can't expect to be ignored when ya go 'round lookin' like ya been rode hard." Jayne stood in front of him in the narrow passage, effectively blocking his way.

"I said drop it," he sighed. "Let me by, please." 

"Sure thing, Doc." Jayne slapped him on the back as he passed. He jerked at the pain, but managed to repress the groan that welled up in him, and kept walking.

He made it to the infirmary without meeting anyone else. He immediately located the cream he wanted and headed for his old room, praying that River was already sleeping. 

Once in his old room, he dug an old pair of pajamas out of a drawer - _Glad I left these here for the nights I need to be near River._ \- before carefully stripping out of his clothes. He couldn't see anything in the mirror, it was too high and too small, but by checking his clothes he could see he wasn't bleeding. _Thank God for small favors._

Gingerly, he spread the medicine over his buttocks, but when he tried to do his back, he realized he couldn't reach the welts. _Damn. Now what? These really need to be taken care of, but I'll be damned if I ask Mal to do it._ He tried to think who else he could ask, but there was really only one logical person. _Zāo gāo! I hate to put her in the middle of this, but she's the only one who might not fly off the handle._ He put the pajamas on, grateful that the shirt wasn't a pullover, found some slippers for his feet, picked up the analgesic and headed to the only place he felt he wouldn't be judged - Inara's shuttle.

***

After Simon left their bunk, Mal slumped down on the bed, scrubbing his face with his hands. _Oh, God. What've I done? Was so angry. Thought I needed to punish him for questionin' my authority. Did to him what I wouldn't do to anyone else. "I won't be abused." Oh, Simon, I'm so sorry. Should've stopped when you fought so hard. You trusted me, and I threw that away just to show you I'm captain o' this boat. Like you don't already know that._

He stood up and set about straightening their room. He found the rest of Simon's clothes, putting them in a pile by the bed. When he picked up the ties and cuffs, it was all he could do to wrap them up and put them in the trunk by the bed. He didn't think he'd ever be able to use them again - for anything. The worst was when he picked up Simon's belt. He felt sick with revulsion. _I used his own belt on him! No wonder he don't want it anymore. Why in seven hells did I ever think that was a good idea? You really are a piece of work, Reynolds._ He coiled the belt and put it next to the cuffs, then found the chain and, lowering it into the corner of the trunk, shut the lid and shoved the whole thing under the bed.

He walked over to the sink to wash. _Shit. Shouldn't've let him go. He needs somethin' on those welts. Know he prob'ly ain't gonna want me to do it, but somebody's got to._ Wiping his hands and face on a towel, he threw it on the bed and left the bunk to find Simon.

As he headed through the cargo bay on his way to the infirmary, he heard something on the catwalk above him. Glancing up, he saw Simon walking slowly in the opposite direction. _Where's he goin'?_ He started up the stairs, and when Simon turned off to the right it hit him. _Just what I need. He's goin' to Inara. Face it, Reynolds, you're fucked. Might as well leave him to it. Talk to her later._ He turned towards the galley. He needed a drink.

***

Simon thought he heard someone on the stairs, but he didn't look back. He turned towards the shuttle and knocked lightly on the door.

" _Yī shí kè_." 

He waited patiently until Inara opened her door.

"Simon?! Please. Come in." She stepped aside and waved a hand in invitation.

Simon moved carefully across the threshold, trying not to flinch as fabric brushed against the welts on his back and buttocks. Once the door was safely closed, he said, "Thank you, Inara. I'm sorry to intrude, but I… ah… I have a favor to ask."

"It's no intrusion. What can I do for you?"

"Ah… I need some of this on my back," he held out the tube of analgesic and continued, "but I can't reach the area. I wonder if you could…?"

"Of course. Although why you don't just ask Mal…" At the tortured look on his face, she stopped. "Simon?"

"Please, Inara? No questions? I can't…" He took a deep breath.

"I apologize. Forgive me. Please. Take your shirt off and lie down."

"Thank you." He walked slowly towards the bed, wincing as he removed his shirt and lay down.

When she saw the angry red marks on Simon's back, it took all of her training to keep from reacting. _Mal, you shă zì, what did you do?_ Looking at the medicine Simon had handed her, she said, "I have something that might work better, Simon. Would you like me to use it instead?"

"Whatever you think best." He was grateful for her calm detachment. Her earlier sympathy had almost been his undoing, and the last thing he wanted to do was fall apart and tell her everything. Asking for her help was bad enough. She didn't need to be put in the middle any more than she already was.

Inara found the jar of ointment she wanted, and began applying it with a light touch. She felt Simon's muscles relax as it took effect. "Is there anywhere else you would like…?"

"Ah… No. Thank you." He blushed and started to get up. 

"All right. But, please, take this with you." She held out the ointment. "Come back tomorrow and I'll apply some more. And, Simon…? If you want to talk about…" 

"Thank you for the offer, but no. It's probably best if I don't." He put his shirt on, looking down to button it so he wouldn't have to meet her eyes.

"Maybe so, but the offer stands." She laid her hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you. For the ointment and for the… ah… help." He exited the shuttle as quickly as he could.

"You're very welcome," she whispered to his retreating back.

***

Mal stood in the shadows watching Simon walk towards the infirmary. He'd had that drink, for all the good it had done, and then come up to talk to Inara. He didn't know what he was going to say, or why he felt the need to talk to her instead of Simon. He just knew he did.

He waited a few moments after Simon disappeared, and then knocked on the shuttle door.

Inara opened the door in surprise. "You knocked!"

"Yeah, well, figured I didn't need to get your back up anymore'n it already is. Can I come in?"

She stepped back, motioning with her hand, and said sarcastically, "Oh, please do."

Mal walked in and sat down on the couch.

"Have a seat. Would you care for some tea?"

"No, thank you. Look, Inara, I gotta know. What'd he tell you?"

"He didn't tell me anything, but the welts on his back, and the way he moved, spoke volumes. How could you, Mal? I thought you cared…" She poured herself some tea, trying to stay calm.

"I did. I do. And believe me, there's nothin' you can say to me that I haven't already said my own self." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Oh, I imagine I could come up with something without trying too hard." She picked up her cup of tea and blew on it - to cool it, and give her hands something to do other than strangle Mal.

"Yeah. I reckon you could at that. Thing is, what do I do now? Doubt he's in any mood to hear an apology. So do I try anyway? Or do I let it go 'til later?" He leaned forward, hands clasped between his knees.

"I don't know, Mal," she sighed. "I do know that whatever happens has to happen at his speed. Not yours. Don't push him for forgiveness. Or anything else. Let him decide where your relationship goes from here. And live with that decision. Even if you don't like it." She looked at him sternly.

"Know you're right. Not what I wanted to hear, but guess it's what I deserve. Thanks. For bein' there for him when I wasn't, and for listenin' to me. Sorry you ended up in the middle of this." He stood up to leave.

Standing also, she laid her hand on his arm and squeezed gently, saying, "You're welcome, Mal. Good luck."

"Thanks. Think I'll need it."

***

After he left Inara, Mal headed to the infirmary and Simon. When he didn't find him there, he decided to try Simon's old room. 

Knocking quietly on the door, he heard a muffled "Who is it?" 

He slid the door open and stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. "Simon, it's me."

"Go away, Mal." Simon lay on his stomach, his head facing away from the door.

"I will. I know you prob'ly don't wanna hear it, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I should've stopped when you struggled so hard." Mal approached the bed and sat carefully on the side, reaching to touch Simon's hair.

Simon flinched away from Mal's touch. "Yes, Mal. You should have. Now, would you please leave?"

Mal stood up. "All right. I'm goin'. G'night." At the door he stopped and whispered, " _Wŏ ài nĭ_ ," before turning and walking out.

 _Bastard! How dare you say that now when you never have before!_ Finally, Simon couldn't hold back the tears any longer and he fell asleep as they soaked into his pillow.

* * *

_Zāo gāo_ = crap  
_Yī shí kè_ = One moment  
_shă zì_ = fool  
_Wŏ ài nĭ_ = I love you


	3. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon returns to the "scene of the crime". Things are not pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited to replace bǎobèi, and its connotations of ownership, with qíngrén.
> 
> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.

* * *

**Falling Apart**

The next morning Simon woke up stiff and somewhat sore. The ointment Inara had used on his back seemed to have worked better than what he had used on his buttocks - although that could have been because there were fewer welts on his back. Whatever the case, he decided to use the ointment instead of the analgesic. There was no way he was going to be able to sit, but at least he could be slightly more comfortable while he stood.

He dug around in the drawers, looking for something loose to wear. Most of his clothes were in Mal's bunk, - _I'm going to have to do something about that._ \- but finally he found a loose shirt and some old pants. He didn't want undergarments, and he'd make do with slippers until he could get his shoes.

He finished dressing and, out of habit more than anything, went to check on River, but she was already up and gone. _Probably in the engine room with Kaylee. I'll find her later. I need to see Inara about putting some ointment on my back, but I suppose I'd better eat first. I hope everyone else has already done so._ He headed to the galley.

Arriving there, he saw that both Mal and Jayne were sitting at the table. _Shit. The two people I really don't want to see. Oh, well. Better to get it over with._ He stepped into the room and fixed himself something for breakfast, standing behind the counter facing the room to eat.

"Hey, Doc. Not sittin' down this mornin'?" Jayne smirked.

Simon just glared at him and continued eating.

"Guess you rode him pretty hard, huh, Mal?" Jayne leered at the captain.

"You'll be wantin' to stop talkin', Jayne." There was a strong hint of steel in Mal's voice.

"What? Ain't sayin' nothin' others wou'n't be thinkin'," Jayne grumbled.

"That's enough. Either shut your trap or leave the room. Choice is yours." More steel.

_Hunh. He gives the man-ape a choice. Doesn't it just figure?_ Simon looked down at the mush in his bowl, trying to block out the other two men.

"-mon? Simon?" Mal's voice penetrated Simon's thoughts and he glanced up.

"You okay?" Mal asked.

"Just fine, Captain. Although I could use an hour or so, uninterrupted, in your bunk."

"Sure thing, Simon. We can go there soon's you're done eatin'."

"You misunderstand, _Captain_. I said uninterrupted. As in alone." Simon sounded as sharp and bitter as he had when he'd first boarded _Serenity_.

"Oh. In that case, whenever you like."

Jayne looked back and forth between the captain and the doctor, finally catching on to the fact that something was wrong.

"Thank you. I need to see Inara first, so in, say, half an hour."

"I could do it, 'stead of Inara," Mal offered.

"No, thank you. You've done enough, don't you think?" Rinsing his bowl and setting it in the drainer, Simon left the room with quiet dignity.

"So. Lover's spat, huh?" 

" _Bì zuĭ_ , Jayne." Mal got up from the table and set his coffee cup in the drainer next to Simon's bowl before walking out of the room.

Jayne shrugged his shoulders and helped himself to more mush.

***

After stopping by Inara's shuttle so she could treat his back, Simon went to the bunk he'd been sharing with Mal for almost a year. He'd never thought he'd ever move out, but he just couldn't stay there anymore. _Not after last night._

Taking a deep breath, he stepped off of the ladder and looked around. All evidence of the previous night's activities had disappeared, except for the small pile of his clothes by the bed. He gave a sigh of relief then set about collecting his belongings.

Within an hour everything was gathered on the bed, except for the belt he'd worn the day before. He hadn't been able to locate it anywhere. _That's all right. I don't want it anyway._ He needed something to pack his clothes in. _It would be so much easier to move them across the ship in a bag, but I didn't think to bring one._ Suddenly he remembered Mal's trunk. Maybe he could use that. Getting down on his hands and knees, he reached under the bed and pulled the trunk out.

Still on his knees, he opened the lid and saw his belt inside, along with the rest of the evidence from the night before. He began to shake, and unintentionally let out a harsh scream. He fell to the floor and began pounding it with his fists. Before he knew it, he was surrounded by strong arms that lifted him off of the floor, onto his knees, and he was pummeling Mal's chest.

"Oh, _qíngrén_. I'm so sorry. Shh. Forgive me. I never meant for it to be like this. I'm so sorry, Simon." Mal repeated over and over, hoping to eventually get through to Simon.

Abruptly, all the fight went out of Simon, and just as quickly, he was sobbing in Mal's arms, taking in great gulps of air while Mal held him and whispered soothing words in his ear. He thought he heard Mal telling someone to leave them alone, but he couldn't be sure; he was too busy trying to regain some semblance of control.

Eventually he had no tears left, and he lay quiescent in Mal's embrace.

"You wanna talk?" Mal asked quietly.

Simon shook his head against Mal's shoulder then took a deep breath and attempted to stand. His legs were a bit wobbly, but with Mal's help he was able to get up. He leaned against Mal's chest for a moment then stepped back. "I'm sor…" 

Mal's fingers on his lips cut him off. "No, _liànrén_. You got nothin' to be sorry 'bout. I'm the one's gone and messed up. Think you'll ever be able to forgive me?"

"Yes, Mal. I will. Probably. Eventually," Simon sighed as he wiped at his face.

"But not just yet?" Mal asked resignedly, dropping his hand to rest lightly on Simon's shoulder.

Simon brought his hand up to cover Mal's and looked up at him earnestly. "No, Mal. Not just yet. There's something I need to tell you. Something you deserve to know. But I can't talk about it right now. Just give me some time." 

"All the time in the 'verse." Mal turned his hand to tentatively grasp Simon's.

Simon squeezed Mal's hand then dropped it to wave at the bed. "Help me pack?"

"Had my druthers, 'd say no. Since I don't, yeah, I'll go 'gainst my better instincts and help." Mal sighed.

"Since when have you had better instincts?"

"Fell in love with you, didn't I?" 

"Oh."

* * *

_Bì zuĭ_ = Shut up  
_qíngrén_ = Lover/Sweetheart  
_liànrén_ = Lover


	4. Drifting Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the crew show up to offer help and/or words of advice, and the slow process of re-connection begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> Edited to replace bǎobèi with qíngrén.

* * *

**Drifting Along**

After helping Simon move his belongings back to his old room, Mal went to the cargo bay. He needed to work off the tension that had been building in him since he'd been such an idiot the night before, and the punching bag in Jayne's workout area seemed to be the best solution. If he tried picking a fight with Jayne, he'd probably just end up injured and need Simon's doctoring skills, and he didn't want to inflict that on Simon right now.

He stripped off his shirt and took a few tentative punches at the bag. Then the memories started flowing.

_Simon standin' there, so trustin'._ Right jab.

_Leather cuffs and chain._ Left jab.

_You're in need o' discipline._ Right hook.

_Simon strugglin'._ Jab.

_Ten lashes._ Cross.

_Simon strugglin'._ Jab.

_It'll be over soon._ Jab.

_I won't be abused._ Hook.

_You've done enough._ Jab.

_Simon screamin'._ Cross.

Jab. Jab. Hook. Jab. Hook. Jab. Cross. Jab. Jab. Jab. Jab.

Twenty minutes later, dripping sweat and hands bleeding, he was still at it, although his punches were growing weaker. Another five minutes and he decided to call it quits, turning to find Zoë calmly watching him.

"Got somethin' to say, Zoë?" he asked as he grabbed a towel.

"No, sir. You feeling better now?"

Mal just grunted.

"Better let me take a look at those hands," she said, glancing at them. "'Less you'd like me to fetch Doc?" 

"No need. Take care of 'em myself."

"That a fact?" Zoë stared at him for a moment then turned and walked towards the infirmary.

"Fine." He heaved an exasperated sigh, picked up his shirt, and followed her.

Once in the infirmary, he washed his hands then let Zoë apply some antiseptic ointment and wrap them in gauze.

"You gonna tell me what that was all about?"

"Nope. Not your concern." He kept his eyes on his hands.

"Is if it affects ship's business." She continued to bandage his hands.

"Ain't that my line?" Mal looked up at her and gave a quirky grin. "'Sides, it don't."

"Just making sure." She nodded to signal she was finished and began putting away the supplies. "Doc all right? When I heard him scream…" 

"Yeah. He's okay. Or will be. Just let him be." Mal lightly flexed his hands.

"Uh huh. What about you? You all right?" She looked at him, trying to make eye contact.

Avoiding her gaze, he answered sarcastically, "Me? Yeah, I'm peachy keen," as he put his shirt on and walked away, leaving a worried first mate watching his back.

***

When Simon finished putting his clothes away, he decided he'd better find River. He hadn't seen her since sometime the day before, and he felt a bit guilty about that, considering that she had just recovered from one of her infrequent bad spells. Knowing that he'd most likely find her with Kaylee, he headed for the engine room, taking the back stairs in hopes of avoiding anyone else who might be wandering around.

Arriving at his destination, he noticed River lying in the hammock and Kaylee crawling out from under the engine housing. Rather than startle her when she was in so dangerous a position, he waited until she was standing to knock on the doorframe.

Wiping her hands on an old rag as she turned, she smiled when she saw him. "Hey, Simon!"

"Hi. I just wanted to check on River. See how she's doing?" He stepped back into the hallway as Kaylee approached him.

"She's sleepin' right now." Kaylee followed him into the hall. "She had a rough night, couldn' sleep, but she's doin' better." Seeing the stricken look on his face, Kaylee laid a hand on his arm. "Don't go blamin' yourself, Simon. Wasn't a bad spell. Jus' a bad night. She's shiny."

"Simon?" 

He glanced over Kaylee's shoulder to see River in the doorway. The next thing he knew, she was hugging him, arms holding him tightly around his waist, head on his chest. Hugging her back briefly, he took her face in his hands, bringing it around so they could make eye contact. "River? What's the matter? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. You hurt."

Closing his eyes for a moment, he tried to reassure her. "No, _mèi mèi_. I'm fine." _Believe me. Don't ask questions._

"No, you're not! You hurt! Hurt here!" She lightly thumped his chest with her fist.

Taking both her hands in one of his own, he used his other hand to brush the hair off of her face as he said, "Shh, _mèi mèi._ Look at me. I'm fine." _Please don't do this to me._

Looking at him intently, she stepped away. "Buried pain. Won't let it hurt. No healing allowed. Want to drift. Finish my nap." Yawning, she returned to the engine room and the hammock.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he caught a glimpse of the puzzled look on Kaylee's face. "Looks like you were right. She's her usual sisterly self."

"Hmm. You sure you're okay, Simon?"

"Me? Yes. Perfectly fine. Shiny even." He grimaced internally, knowing he was rambling.

"If'n you say so. You 'n the cap'n okay?"

He tried to keep his discomfort from showing. "As well as can be expected. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to…" He turned to go.

"Sure thing, Simon. See you at dinner."

He waved a hand in acknowledgement as he walked away.

***

Dinner that evening was an awkward affair. Simon had debated eating in his room, but knew if he did somebody would come looking for him - somebody hopefully not Mal. Since he couldn't be sure, he decided not to risk it. Being in the same room with Mal when everyone else was present would be hard enough. He wasn't ready to be alone with Mal, even if his breakdown that morning had released some of his anger and hurt.

He was able to sit, if he was careful, so he gingerly took a seat as far as possible from Mal. That, in itself, told everyone that something was wrong, since he'd taken to sitting next to Mal when they became lovers. 

Conversation was desultory at best, the somber mood affecting everyone, except Jayne, who ate with his usual relish.

"Wash, we on schedule for tomorrow's landin'?"

"Uh. Yeah, Mal, we are. Barring any unforeseen complications."

"Good. Need this job. Been too long since we had 'nough coin to restock. Speakin' o' which, Doc, you need anythin' for the infirmary, just let me know."

Simon glanced up from his plate and gave a quick nod before turning to talk quietly to River then excusing himself.

Mal watched him go with a concerned look, then, giving everyone else a stern glare, turned back to his plate.

Wash gave Zoë a quizzical glance, but she shook her head slightly at him, as if to say "Later," so he continued to eat.

Inara and Book exchanged worried looks before resuming their meal. 

Kaylee gazed sympathetically at Mal for a moment then reached over and laid a hand on River's shoulder.

River sat, trying to maintain control, attempting to block the onrush of feelings and thoughts bombarding her. When she felt Kaylee's hand on her shoulder, she looked up and smiled, some of her tension easing as she focused on the love shining in Kaylee's eyes.

"Still mad at ya, huh? What'd ya do? Throw out his favorite vest? Anybody else gonna eat that?"

***

The next morning Zoë stopped by the infirmary for the list of needed supplies from Simon. He wasn't sure whether to be angry that Mal didn't have the nerve to come by himself, or relieved that he didn't have to deal with any sympathy or questions from him.

Once everyone who was going to be was off ship, either for jobs or shopping, Simon headed for the bridge. Just because he couldn't get off ship was no reason he couldn't look at the sky for a while. He made sure to make plenty of noise as he approached, in case Wash was playing with his dinosaurs. Simon smiled to himself, remembering the first time he'd caught Wash in the act. They'd both been a bit embarrassed, though there really hadn't been any reason to be. He was still smiling as he stepped onto the bridge.

"Hey, Simon!" Wash turned and greeted him. "How you doing?"

"Hi. Fine, thanks. Thought I'd come check out the view, if you don't mind?"

"Nah, don't mind at all. Nice to have some company. Take a seat if you'd like."

"No, I'll stand. It's a better view."

"Suppose it is at that." They watched the sky in companionable silence for a few minutes, but Wash couldn't be silent for long, just didn't have it in him.

"So… You and Mal okay? Wouldn't ask, 'cept I heard you yesterday, and last night you both seemed a bit upset."

Simon snorted. "Upset? Yes, I expect you could say that."

"Want to talk about it?" Wash asked sympathetically.

"Not particularly." Simon shrugged as he continued to look out the windows.

"Yeah, guess I understand that. Don't usually care to talk about it when Zoë and I fight either. Just thought I'd offer." Wash flipped a few switches on his console.

"And I appreciate that. It's just…"

"I know. It's between the two of you." Wash hesitated then asked, "Want some advice from an old married man?"

"I can't guarantee I'll follow it."

"No problem. Don't always follow it myself." Wash grinned at Simon, who grinned back. "Anyway. Whatever happened, apologize and let it go."

"I'm not the one in the wrong."

"Why doesn't that surprise me? Our illustrious captain can be a bit of _piánzhì de hún dàn_ on occasion."

Simon grunted in agreement as Wash continued, "If he won't apologize…"

"As it happens, he did. I'm just not sure I'm ready to forgive him," Simon admitted.

"If you love him, and you'll eventually forgive him, why wait? Now, I'm not saying you should give in totally," Wash said with a sly grin. "But let it go and start rebuilding before the bridges are burned beyond repair."

"I know you're right. But it's not easy." Simon stared blindly at the scenery in front of him.

"Nothing worth having ever is. You just gotta decide if he's worth having." Wash checked the gauges on the console.

"He is, Wash. He is. Thanks." Simon turned to go, giving Wash's shoulder a grateful squeeze.

"Any time." Wash watched Simon go, and then turned back to his dinosaurs. "Well, fellas, that went well."

Simon smiled as he heard Wash start to play with the dinosaurs. As he headed into the galley, Book entered from the other door, laden down with supplies. "Let me help you, Shepherd." Simon reached to take a bag of produce from him before it fell.

"Why, thank you, son. Managed to buy more than I thought I'd be able to today."

"Well, I, for one, am happy to hear that. The more real food we have, the better, as far as I'm concerned."

"Can't say as I disagree with you." Book covertly watched Simon as they put away the foodstuffs. _The boy's moving a bit better today. Wonder if he needs to talk to anyone?_ "How are you feeling today, doctor?"

"Me? Oh, I'm fine. Thanks for asking."

"You do seem a bit more… chipper than yesterday."

"Hmm?" Simon glanced at the shepherd from the cupboard where he was storing some canned goods. "Oh, yes, I've just been keeping Wash company. Hard to be in a bad mood after that." 

"That's true. So, you admit you were in a bad mood?" Book asked as he stored the fresh food in the cooling unit.

"I've never been one to deny the obvious. Yes. I was a bit… disgruntled, but I'm fine now. Wash said some things that got me to thinking. So…" Simon shrugged.

"Ah. Well, I'm glad you and he were able to talk. If you ever need to talk to anyone else…"

"Thank you, but right now the only one I need to talk to is Mal. If we're done here…?"

"Certainly. Although, I doubt he's back yet."

"Yes, I know. But since I'm usually needed in the infirmary after a job, I may as well wait there." Simon grinned as he left the room, not hearing Book's relieved sigh. 

***

An hour later Simon had finished prepping the infirmary for any contingency when he heard the roar of the mule's motor. Grabbing his medbag for any immediate necessities, he headed for the cargo bay. Once there, he was astounded to see everyone on their feet with no sign of blood anywhere.

"Sorry to disappoint ya, Doc," Jayne said as he rudely bumped Simon's shoulder. "Nobody got hurt today. Guess you c'n take that bag o' yours an' get outta the way. Got us some cargo to store, and can't do it with you hangin' 'round. Hey, Mal! We got time for some fun 'fore we leave this here backwater moon?"

"Already told you no, Jayne."

"Aww, hell. Was hopin' you'd changed your mind."

"Nope. Won't be that long 'til our next stop. You c'n wait 'til then. Somethin' you need, Doc?"

"Yes, Captain, there is. When you're finished here, would you stop by the infirmary? I'd like to take a look at your hands."

"They're shiny. See." Mal flexed his hands before helping Jayne lift a crate off the mule.

"I'd still like to take a look." Simon's eyes met Mal's, and a look of understanding passed between them.

"All right, Doc. Be there when I'm finished here."

"That'll be fine." Simon turned to go back to the infirmary missing the smirk on Jayne's face and Mal's look of relief.

A few minutes later Mal strode into the infirmary where Simon was just finishing putting away everything he had prepared earlier. "Here's your supplies, Simon. What I could find of 'em, anyway." Mal laid the package on the counter by Simon.

Simon looked up and nodded. "Thank you. If you'll just sit down on the bed, I'll take a look at your hands."

"Told you, they're fine." Mal grumbled.

"And I said I want to see them anyway. Please, Mal, don't be so stubborn." Simon looked at him with just a hint of pleading in his eyes.

Mal heaved a sigh and sat on the bed. "Never can resist you when you say please."

Simon began unwrapping Mal's hands, one at a time. "Do I dare ask how you did this?"

"Didn't get in a fist fight with Jayne, that's what you're wonderin'."

"That's good to know. Looks like Zoë did a competent job. At least, I assume it was Zoë?" Simon asked as he gently cleaned Mal's knuckles, remembering the feel of Mal's hands caressing him, how easy it was for him to stop thinking when they did.

"Yeah. She wouldn't take no for an answer either." Mal looked at Simon's fingers spreading a healing lotion on his hands, remembering other things those fingers could do, and how much he enjoyed being touched by them.

"You know I would have…" Simon reached for some gauze.

"Yeah, I know, Simon. Just didn't want to bother you." Mal watched as Simon rebandaged his hands.

"Mal, I'm your medic. You're supposed to bother me." Simon finished with Mal's hands and began tidying up.

"Yeah, well…" Mal shrugged and continued, "How are you? I mean you're talkin' to me, which I'm seein's a good thing, but you ain't sayin' much. So…" Mal stayed on the bed, giving Simon room to move, watching him as he stored the supplies.

"I'm doing better, Mal." Simon finished what he was doing, and came back to sit carefully next to Mal. "I had a long talk with Wash this afternoon - And, no, I didn't tell him what happened. That's between us - but he said some things that made sense. So…" He took a deep breath. This was harder than he thought it would be. "Rather than wait any longer… I want to put this whole… incident… behind us. But," he held up his hand to forestall any comment by Mal, "I can't just… pick up… from where we were before. I love you. But… I still need time. … Time to heal. Time to trust again. … Time to be able to talk about something I need to tell you. Can you give me that time?" Simon looked hopefully at Mal.

"Told you before, _qíngrén_." Mal reached for Simon's hand, holding it lightly in his own as he answered, "All the time in the 'verse." 

Simon sighed and laid his head on Mal's shoulder. 

Mal tipped his head to rest his cheek on Simon's hair.

They sat quietly as _Serenity_ lifted off and into the black.

* * *

_mèi mèi_ = little sister  
_piánzhì de hún dàn_ = stubborn bastard  
_qíngrén_ = Lover/Sweetheart


	5. Closing the Gap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are on the mend as Mal and Simon approach the anniversary of their first date. Takes place toward the end of January 2520.
> 
> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> Edited to replace bǎobèi with qíngrén

* * *

**Closing the Gap**

Life on board _Serenity_ continued its normal course. They delivered the recently acquired cargo, and had time afterward for a few hours shore leave. Then it was back to the black and more jobs.

The welts on Simon's back and buttocks healed within a week, leaving no visible scars. When he returned the ointment to Inara, they had a discussion regarding its healing properties, and she promised to get some from the Guild for the infirmary.

***

Mal had promised Simon time, and he was being true to his word. Knowing he was the cause of Simon's pain made it easier, and harder, to take it slow. He wanted nothing more than to hold Simon, and soothe away his hurt, but until Simon was ready for that, he knew he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of it happening. But every day they made a little more progress in rebuilding their relationship - a look here, a touch there, smiles that lit up a room, quiet conversations after dinner - so even though Mal slept alone at night in a bed that was too big, too cold and far too lonely, he had hope that it wouldn't be that way forever.

***

One day, a few weeks later, Mal was sitting at the table in the galley, cleaning his guns, when Simon wandered in.

"Simon." Mal nodded his head in greeting.

"Mal." Simon nodded back and poured himself some coffee from the pot that was always on. He sat down at the other end of the table and watched Mal, letting his mind drift. _I love watching his hands. They're so strong, so steady. I miss them. Touching me. Teasing me. I miss him._

Mal cleared his throat, bringing Simon out of his reverie. When their eyes met, the heat in Mal's glance, combined with what he'd been thinking, made Simon blush. He quickly looked down at his coffee cup.

"Somethin' I can do for you, Simon?" Mal's voice had a slight teasing note to it, almost as if he knew what Simon had been thinking.

 _Maybe he does. He's usually pretty good at that._ "What? Oh… ah… No. Thank you. I… ah… should be going." He stood up to leave.

"Don't gotta leave on my 'count." Definitely a teasing note now.

"No… I'm not. It's just… I need to… ah… check the medical supplies." He put his cup in the drainer.

"That so?" Mal smiled slightly.

"Yeah… I mean, yes. Ah… bye." He headed for the door.

"See ya later, _qíngrén_." Simon could hear the grin in Mal's voice as he walked away.

***

A few days after that Mal took a book from his bunk and went to the common room to read. He didn't often get a chance to sit and relax, but they were days out from their next job, and he didn't much feel like joining the game of hoop ball that was going on in the cargo bay. _Face it, Reynolds. You just want to be near Simon, and if this is as close as it gets, so be it._ He settled in, and was soon so engrossed he didn't hear Simon come in. He felt the couch dip, though, and looked up to see Simon sitting at the opposite end, back against the armrest, one leg drawn up on the seat. He had one elbow on the back of the couch and was resting his head on his hand. He was also smiling.

"Hi." Mal smiled back.

"Hi, yourself. I didn't know you wore glasses."

"Huh? Oh, these." Mal took the glasses off, folding them up and laying them on the table. "Only wear them to read."

"Still. I've known you for more than two years, and slept with you for almost one. Why didn't I know?"

"Could be I haven't done much readin' when we're in the same room together." Mal grinned at him.

Simon laughed outright and agreed, "Could be you're right. I like them. They make you look more dignified. What are you reading?"

"Thanks. Hmm? Oh. Some fool poem. Keep tryin' to make some sense out of it. Not so sure I'm succeedin'."

"What's it called?"

" _Rime of the Ancient Mariner_."

"Ah. Coleridge and his albatross. It's one of my favorites."

"Really? Why?"

"Well, you see…"

And they spent the next hour comparing opinions about a poem that had been written over seven hundred years before on Earth-that-was.

***

A couple of days later they were making last minute preparations before landing for their next job and Mal went to the infirmary looking for Simon.

"Hey, _qíngrén_." He stuck his head in the door, not wanting to intrude when he saw River in with Simon.

Simon glanced up and smiled, "Hey, yourself."

"What say, after we finish this job, I take you out to dinner?" Mal asked hesitantly. 

"Sounds like a plan." Simon's smile widened perceptibly.

"Good. Wear somethin' nice." Mal grinned in a manner that Simon hadn't seen him do in a long time and was gone.

Simon looked back to see River smiling at him. "What?" He stuck his tongue out at her.

She returned the gesture, but then said in a serious voice, "Gap is closing. Hurt almost healed."

"Yes, I suppose it is," he agreed.

"Time to tell secret soon." She laid her hand over his heart.

"River? You can't possibly know. Can you?" Simon asked with a mixture of fear and wonder.

"Sorry, Simon. Your secret. Didn't want to know. Couldn't help it." She leaned against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight as he said, "Oh, _mèi mèi_. I'm sorry. You should never have had to know."

"Not your fault. Tell the secret. Will flow away. Not hurt anymore." She hugged him back then pulled away.

"I hope you're right," he sighed.

"Always am." She giggled, hopped off the medbed, and ran out of the door in the direction of the engine room, Simon's shouted "Brat!" ringing in her ears.

***

 _"Wear something nice," he said. Hmm. Haven't worn this in a while._ Smiling to himself, he pulled a brown vest, shot through with blue and silver, out of the closet and slipped it on. 

The job had gone without a hitch, and everyone had returned injury free. Mal had declared downtime until the morning, and everyone had taken advantage of their few precious hours of shore leave, finding activities to suit their individual tastes.

Simon put on his jacket and headed to the cargo bay to meet Mal for dinner. _Wonder if he remembers?_ When he spotted Mal wearing the black suit he'd worn the first time they went to dinner together, he knew that Mal did, indeed, remember. He was surprised to feel tears well up in his eyes. _No. I will not cry. Not now._ He cleared his throat and smiled as Mal turned to look at him.

Mal's face lit up when he saw that Simon was wearing the vest he'd bought for him just over a year before. "You remembered." He held out a hand for Simon.

"Yes. I see that you did, too." Simon took Mal's hand and stepped in for a quick embrace before pulling back and asking, "So, where are we going anyway?"

"Oh, there's this steakhouse I know 'bout up ahead. Permaybehaps you've heard of it?"

"Permaybehaps I have."

And smiling quietly at each other, they set off down the road to celebrate the anniversary of their first 'date'.

* * *

_qíngrén_ = Lover/Sweetheart  
_mèi mèi_ = little sister


	6. Telling Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon reveals the secret from his past, and Mal realizes just how massive his mistake was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where all those "past" tags come in.
> 
> Translations are in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> Edited to replace bǎobèi with qíngrén.

* * *

**Telling Secrets**

After an evening of good wine, better food, and pleasant company, Mal and Simon were strolling hand-in-hand back to _Serenity_. No words were spoken. None were needed. It had been a rough month, but it looked like Simon was well on his way to trusting Mal again, and Mal couldn't be anything but grateful for that.

When they arrived at the cargo bay doors, Mal guided Simon to the side of the ship instead of going inside. Cupping Simon's face with his hands, he said, "Like to kiss you, if that's okay?"

"I'd like that, Mal." Stretching up and leaning down, their lips met in a kiss that was more tentative than their first one had been.

When Simon sighed in contentment, Mal deepened the kiss until they were both breathless. Mal pulled away first and, touching his forehead to Simon's, said, "I'm sorry, _qíngrén_. I meant to go slow, but …"

"Shh." Simon placed his fingers on Mal's lips. "If it had been too much, I would have stopped. Hold me?"

Mal pulled Simon into his arms, holding him gently. "I've missed you, _liànrén_ ," he whispered into Simon's hair.

Simon hugged him tighter. "I've missed you, too, Mal." Stepping back, he continued, "At the risk of ruining a wonderful evening, I have to tell you something. But you have to promise not to get upset. There's nothing you can do about what happened years ago, so there's no point in upsetting yourself."

"Can't promise. But I will promise to try not to."

"Fair enough." Simon hesitated and started to pace under _Serenity_ 's engine.

"You wanna go inside? Or you more comfortable out here?"

"What? Oh. Doesn't matter. I suppose out here's fine," Simon waved his hand distractedly before muttering, "Where do I start?"

"Take your time, Simon. We got all night."

"Yes, well… This all happened a long time ago. When I first went to MedAcad, actually. God, I was so young and … green… naïve… whatever." He continued to pace as he told his story. "Anyway, I met this man, not anyone from school, just a man. He was quite a bit older than me. Who wasn't? He was good-looking, witty and charming. To make a long story a little bit shorter, we became lovers." He glanced at Mal to see how he was reacting so far. 

Mal just stood there, leaning against _Serenity_ , arms crossed on his chest. He nodded at Simon as if to say 'Continue'.

Simon looked away and went on, "He wasn't my first. But he _was_ my first adult relationship. So… In the beginning everything was fine. He treated me kindly. Made me feel good about myself. Made me feel _good_. Sure, he was domineering, but I just thought it was because he was older, had seen more of the 'verse than I had, knew things I didn't." 

Simon stopped pacing and looked up at the night sky, away from Mal. "I remember the first time I didn't do something the way he wanted it done. I don't remember what the something was, but I do remember what happened. He said I needed to be 'disciplined'." 

Simon snorted and Mal ground his teeth in growing awareness.

"He made me take off my clothes and lie across his knees, and then he held me down and spanked me. Spanked me with his bare hand, while I struggled to get away. Told me I was thoughtless and needed to learn self-control, but that if I stopped struggling, everything would be better. He didn't stop until I no longer felt pain, only pleasure. And then he… raped me, for lack of a better term. It wasn't lovemaking, that's for sure." Simon paused, shuddering as he breathed deep. 

Mal growled low in his throat, but was still in control of himself when Simon looked at him.

"Shall I go on?" Simon asked.

"If you need to."

"Yes, now that I've started I really think I do. I'll spare you the sordid details, though. Suffice it to say that that wasn't the last time I was 'disciplined'. And every time, it became… stricter?… harsher?" He shrugged and continued, "He called me names - slut, whore, bastard, idiot. He used different things to 'discipline' me - hair brush, paddle, riding crop, belt. And when I wouldn't stop struggling, he tied me down so I couldn't move. And every time, _every_ time, there was unwanted pleasure after the pain. Pleasure from the pain. From the fucking. From the kissing afterwards. From knowing that I'd pleased him by handling his 'discipline'."

By the time he finished, Simon was visibly shaking, arms wrapped around himself, trying to maintain control.

Mal swallowed the bile he felt rising in his throat and walked over to stand next to Simon. "Can I hold you?"

"Oh, God. Please do!" He felt Mal's arms slip loosely around him, and he leaned into the warm embrace. Tears started to fall down his face, but he wiped them away. _Not now. I can do this. I have to do this._

He felt more than heard Mal's whispered, "Is that all?" 

He shook his head and continued, "Almost. The last time he 'disciplined' me, I ended up in the hospital with broken ribs and internal bleeding, not to mention two black eyes and bruises over most of my body. You see, that time he used his fists. 

"My father had him arrested for assault and I never saw him again. By the time I was out of the hospital, he was in prison. I never told anyone about our sexual relationship, though I'm sure most of my fellow students knew. They just didn't care. I heard more than one whispered 'Jumped up smart ass got his'. 

"After that I threw myself into my studies. I had no interest in pursuing a sexual relationship with anyone, although I did eventually become seriously involved with someone. But that's another story. And not one that matters any more." He turned in Mal's embrace, wrapping his arms around Mal's waist, and holding on like he never wanted to let go.

"Can I ask you somethin'?" Mal asked quietly, his chin resting on the top of Simon's head.

"Anything."

"Why'd you stay? Why didn't you leave that _yī gè fŭhuàzhe pofù hé yī gè húnwú yāo guài láizì shēnchù de dìyù de bèn tāmā de húndàn érzi_?" 

"I told you. I was young and stupid. I didn't know I could. And even if I'd known I could, I wouldn't have known how. So, in a sense, it's a good thing he beat me half to death. At least I got away from him. I vowed then never to let anyone else tie me up and cause me pain. And then…" If possible, he hugged Mal even tighter.

"And then I did it. Oh, God, Simon," Mal groaned, "I am so very sorry."

"You didn't know." He rubbed his cheek against Mal's chest.

"But I should've asked. I should've paid attention."

"Even if you'd asked, I probably wouldn't have been able to explain why, even though I trusted you, I couldn't let you tie me up. And if you'd mentioned disciplining me… I don't know. Maybe it's better it happened this way. At least now you know the whole sordid story." He tipped his head back and asked in all seriousness, " _Nĭ yī rán ài wŏ ma?_ "

Mal cupped Simon's face in both his hands as he said, "How could I not? For a Core-bred rich kid, you've had a hell of a life. But it's made you the man you are today. Yes, Simon, _Wŏ ài nĭ_. So much it hurts, and I'll do anythin' I can to make up for the pain I've caused." He claimed Simon's mouth in a tender, but passionate, kiss, pouring into it all his love and sorrow.

When they broke apart, Simon asked, "Make love to me?"

"My pleasure, _qíngrén_. My pleasure."

* * *

_qíngrén_ = Lover/Sweetheart  
 _liànrén_ = lover  
 _yī gè fŭhuàzhe pofù hé yī gè húnwú yāo guài láizì shēnchù de dìyù de bèn tāmā de húndàn érzi_ = stupid fucking bastard son of a rotting bitch and a soulless devil from the depths of hell  
 _Nĭ yī rán ài wŏ ma?_ = Do you still love me?  
 _Wŏ ài nĭ_ = I love you


	7. Reconnecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Simon's secret is out, it's time for make-up sex. Once they make it past the women watching from above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> Edited to replace bǎobèi with qíngrén.

* * *

**Reconnecting**

Mal and Simon walked onto _Serenity_ , arms wrapped around each other, and seemingly oblivious to their surroundings. 

From the catwalk above, the four women crewmembers looked down on them.

"Oh, look, River! Looks like Cap'n and Simon finally made up." 

"Yes. Secret's not secret anymore. Drifted away. Room for one another now."

"They do seem to be a bit wrapped up in each other, don't they?"

"Now that that's settled, think we all have more important things to be doin'."

They smiled at each other then glanced back down at the men.

"You're absolutely right, Zoë. I'll see everyone later." Inara headed to her shuttle.

River whispered something in Kaylee's ear, and they left in the direction of the engine room, giggling quietly.

Zoë smiled to see the captain happy once more then went to rejoin her sleeping husband. 

\------

"Now that they're gone, s'pose we can go to our bunk?" Mal whispered from where he was nuzzling Simon's neck.

"Mmm. Unless you want to wait and provide a show for Jayne?" Simon smirked.

"Hmm…Tempting, but no."

"Let's go then, before Wash or Book show up." Simon grabbed Mal's hand and pulled him up the stairs toward the bunk he planned on moving back into and never moving out of again.

"You in some kinda hurry, _liànrén_?" Mal laughed as he followed Simon up the stairs and down the hall.

"Only to be alone," Simon replied as he stepped off of the ladder into the bunk and turned to wait for Mal. "I have every intention of making everything else last as long as humanly possible." He reached up with one hand and pulled Mal down for a long, slow, languorous kiss, his other hand coming to rest on Mal's hip.

"Mmm. Got no problem with that." Mal had one hand at the back of Simon's neck, fingers curling into his hair, while the other slid down Simon's chest and began working the fastenings of his jacket as he trailed kisses along Simon's jaw.

No more words were spoken. None were needed. As they slowly divested each other of their clothing, they took the time to reacquaint themselves with their lover's body. Because of the month's estrangement, it was almost like making love for the first time. The first time, though, had been frantic with need and want. Now was a time for taking it slowly and reconnecting.

A touch here, a look there, and they were skin to skin, sharing deep, passionate kisses, bringing each other to full arousal again and again, never quite reaching completion, as they leisurely caressed, nipped and licked their way around one another's body.

Finally, when Simon's hands stroked down Mal's back to his hips, pulling him in to once more rub their erections together, Mal couldn't stand it any longer. Taking Simon's hands in his and whispering "Need you." in Simon's ear, he backed up and sat down in the chair by the desk, trying to bring Simon onto his lap.

Releasing his hands from Mal's, Simon brought them up to cup Mal's face as he leaned down to kiss him gently before standing up and stepping back. Turning to walk toward the bed, he looked back over his shoulder to see Mal watching him with a hungry look. Giving Mal a smile and a wink, he deliberately leaned across the bed to get the lube from the cubbyhole where they kept it. He heard Mal groan, and half expected Mal to join him at the bed, but when he stood back up and turned around, Mal was still sitting on the chair, watching him from under hooded eyes. 

Not breaking eye contact, Simon walked the few steps back to Mal, putting some lube on his hand and spreading it around to warm it before kneeling down and taking Mal in his hands and slowly stroking him, up and back down, teasing him with his thumb until Mal shuddered and closed his eyes. Simon stood up and, taking one of Mal's hands in his, spread some lube on the fingers before leaning over to whisper, "Would you…?" in Mal's ear.

"My pleasure, _qíngrén_. C'mere." With his other hand on Simon's waist, Mal encouraged Simon to come closer.

Simon stepped forward, straddling Mal, and, leaning forward slightly to give Mal better access, gave himself up to the feel of Mal's fingers prepping him, tipping his head down to kiss Mal hungrily. They broke the kiss as Mal withdrew his fingers. Simon braced himself with one hand on Mal's shoulder and, reaching back to guide him, slowly sat down. Once seated, he remained still for a moment, letting his body adjust, enjoying the feeling of having Mal once more inside of him, his heart overflowing with the love he felt.

Mal wrapped his arms around Simon's waist, bringing him close as one hand ghosted up Simon's back to his neck, fingers burying themselves in the silky softness of Simon's hair. Mal looked up at Simon, grateful beyond words to have been forgiven and determined not to ever come so close to losing him again. Pulling Simon down for a tender kiss, he whispered, " _Wŏ ài nĭ_."

"I love you, too." Simon returned the kiss then began to move. Holding Mal's shoulders for balance, he shifted slightly, leaning back and gasping at the sensations even that small movement caused. 

Mal brought both of his hands up Simon's back to his shoulders, supporting Simon as he leaned back, then bent forward to nibble and suck Simon's neck and chest, eliciting more gasps and moans from Simon. Mal smiled to himself and smoothed his hands down Simon's back to grasp his hips so he could do some moving of his own. He thrust up as much as he was able to with Simon on his lap, causing another frantic moan.

When Mal thrust up into him, hitting his prostate, Simon moaned and leaned forward, giving Mal a fervent kiss. Simon's feet barely reached the deck, but he had enough leverage to push himself up before letting himself slide back down. Between that, and Mal's hands guiding him, they eventually found a rhythm that had them both panting and begging.

"Oh,God. Mal, please, I need you. Touch me. Please! _Wŏ de tiān a_!"

Mal released his grip on Simon's hip, bringing his hand between their bodies to grasp Simon, pulling and twisting just the way he liked it, as he encouraged him. "C'mon, _qíngrén_. Let it go. Come for me. You can do it. Come for me. Now!"

Simon shouted in release, letting go of any residual hurt and anger that had been buried in his heart, knowing that where he was, with Mal, was the only place he wanted to be. As he collapsed against Mal, his body shaking in the aftermath of his orgasm, he felt Mal come deep inside him before wrapping his arms tightly around him and kissing him gently on the throat, and he knew a contentment deeper than any he'd known before. He sighed and snuggled in closer to Mal.

" _Qíngrén_?"

"Hmm?"

"Think we might be more comfortable in the bed."

"Mmm. Maybe so, but I'm not sure I can make it there. Think you melted my bones."

"C'mon. It's only a couple of steps. And I ain't carryin' you."

"Oh, all right. If you insist." Simon groaned and slowly stood up, sighing as Mal slipped from his body. Leaning into Mal's embrace, he walked the few steps necessary to reach the bed and waited for Mal to pull back the covers before crawling in. 

Mal walked over to the wash station, and cleaned himself with a cloth before rinsing it in warm water and going back to tenderly wipe Simon's chest and stomach. Simon opened sleepy eyes and smiled sweetly before his eyes drifted shut again.

Tossing the cloth aside, Mal lay down and pulled Simon into his arms, whispering, "Welcome home, _qíngrén_."

* * *

_liànrén_ = lover  
_qíngrén_ = Lover/Sweetheart  
_Wŏ ài nĭ_ = I love you  
_Wŏ de tiān a_ = Oh, my god


	8. Trying to Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal asks for clarification about events in Simon's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.

* * *

**Trying to Understand**

A few days later Mal and Simon were in their bunk, preparing for bed after a long, tiring day. They'd had another delivery to make, and while everything had gone smoothly, it had taken a long time to unload the cargo on a planet whose weather was known to be hot and humid. By the time they were finished, everyone was in a foul mood and just wanted some down time, which Mal had nixed, saying they had to move on to pick up their next shipment. With much grumbling, everyone had reboarded and _Serenity_ had lifted off into the black again. After a few hours to cool off and relax, everyone had been in a more cheerful frame of mind at supper. Everyone except Mal, who had been getting more and more distracted ever since Simon had moved back into their bunk.

Simon sat on the bed and watched as Mal absent-mindedly wandered the room as he disrobed. "Mal?"

"Hmm?" Mal glanced at Simon.

"What's wrong?" Simon's lips twitched slightly.

"Nothin's wrong. Why'd you think somethin's wrong?" Mal looked at Simon in confusion.

"Well, love, you don't usually strap your gunbelt on over your sleep pants. Or are we trying something new tonight?" Simon laughed at the look of consternation on Mal's face when he glanced down to see that he had, indeed, put his gunbelt back on.

"Very funny, _liànrén_." Mal grimaced as he unbuckled his belt.

"I thought so." Simon grinned. "Seriously, Mal. What's the matter? You've been distracted for several days now. Talk to me. Tell me what convoluted pathways your mind has been following since we reconciled."

Mal ran a hand through his hair as he answered, "Nothin's the matter. It's just…"

"Yes? Just what?" Simon's eyes still had a twinkle in them.

"Well, I've been thinkin' and wonderin'." Mal scratched the side of his mouth and sat down in the chair by the bed.

"About what?" Simon could tell Mal was nervous, but the image of that gunbelt was still wreaking havoc on his imagination, keeping a smile on his face.

"'Bout what you told me t'other night. 'Bout what happened to you." Mal leaned forward, hands between his knees.

"Ah." Simon stopped smiling and sat farther back on the bed, pulling one knee up to his chest. "What about it?"

"Guess I'm still tryin' to understand how come you put up with that sorta treatment. I'm not blamin' you or anythin'. It's just that you're a fighter. Long as I've known you, you've always fought back, usually not physically, but you still fight back. So I'm tryin' to understand why you didn't then." Mal looked at Simon, a question in his eyes.

Simon hugged his knee closer as he tried to form his answer. "First, I'm glad you think I'm a fighter. It's still easier for me to use words than fists or a gun, so it means a lot to me that you understand that. As for why I didn't fight back, well, I was different then. As I said, I was young and naïve. Life hadn't yet thrown any obstacles in my path that I couldn't easily overcome. I was still a soft, rich kid, who didn't know anything about life outside of my Core upbringing. Besides, he didn't start out abusing me. It was more subtle than that."

"He didn't? It was? How so?"

Simon took a deep breath and blew it out, slowly.

"I'm sorry, _qíngrén_. It's none of my business." Mal reached out to lay a hand on Simon's leg.

"No, Mal. It's all right. You have a right to know. It's just that I haven't ever talked about it." Simon sighed and clasped Mal's hand with his own. 

"What, never? Not even to the authorities?"

"No. I told you. I was in the hospital when he was arrested. Besides, my father's a very… I was going to say powerful, but a powerful man wouldn't have been afraid of… He's very… influential, I guess you could say. Anyway, he knew what strings to pull so that I wouldn't have to testify. But back to how it was subtle. Remember I said that in the beginning he made me feel good?"

"Yeah."

"Well, and don't take this wrong," Simon hesitated, not quite making eye contact with Mal, "it was kind of like when you want to make me stop thinking."

"What!?" Mal jumped up and stood stock-still, staring down at Simon, radiating anger. "That ain't abuse!"

Simon reached out for him, snagging his hand and pulling him down on the bed next to him. "No, Mal, it's not. I never said it was. Calm down and listen to me if you want me to explain."

Mal took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Sorry, _liànrén_."

"That's all right. But you have got to control your temper if you want to understand. There are things I have to say that you won't like; but remember, you're the one who asked. If you really don't want to know, I'll stop now. Otherwise…" 

"No. I want to understand. Go ahead." Mal propped himself up with a pillow and wrapped an arm around Simon's shoulders, bringing him close.

"All right. Where was I?" Simon willingly leaned against Mal's shoulder.

"Comparing me to that _húndàn_ ," Mal grumbled.

"No, I wasn't. There is no comparison. I was comparing the way he made me feel good in the beginning to the way you always make me feel." At Simon's words, Mal hugged him tight. "So. He made me feel good by first making me lose control, which eventually turned into him taking away my control."

"Which what, exactly, is the difference? And why did it make you feel good?"

"You already know about making me lose control. Taking away my control is where the subtlety arises. It's all about trust, and it started out slowly with little things like telling me not to move." Mal made a noise deep in his throat as Simon continued, "And, yes, I know. You do that, too. And I do as you ask because I trust you, just like I trusted him. So, over time, I got used to doing everything he told me to do, because I trusted him. If he told me to strip, I did it. If he told me to put my hands behind my back so he could tie them, I did it. If he told me to lie face down on the bed while he restrained me, I did it. Because I trusted him, because I knew he wouldn't hurt me, and because I knew…"

Mal pulled back a little bit, to look at Simon's face. "Wait. Earlier you said that when he tied you down, he hurt you. Now you're sayin' he didn't. Which is it?"

Simon met and held Mal's gaze. "Both. At first it was all about pleasure and giving up control. It wasn't until he started… disciplining… me that pain came into it. And even then it wasn't always about pain."

"It wasn't?" Mal asked.

"No." Simon sat forward, once again hugging his knees to his chest as he looked across the room, trying to gather his thoughts. "Letting him take control meant that no matter what happened I wasn't responsible anymore. I could feel and react without thinking, without judging, with no guilt attached, because he was in control, not me. Nothing that occurred would be my fault. There were times, after he started abusing me, that it wasn't abuse. Those times, it was about pleasure and desire and letting go. Like before, only more intense because I knew I hadn't done anything to be 'disciplined' for. I suppose that's another reason I didn't leave him." Simon sounded surprised as he continued, "Because he knew just how to make me forget everything else in the pleasure of the moment."

"And you liked that feeling?" Mal sounded puzzled.

"Yes. I still do." Simon shrugged.

"Why?" Mal asked as he stroked a hand up and down Simon's back.

"You've never let anyone have any control over you, have you?" Simon looked over at Mal.

Mal ran his hand up to the base of Simon's neck, curling his fingers in Simon's hair before tugging him gently backwards. "Can't say's I have. 'Cept in the war, but that's different I s'pect." 

"It is. Giving over control of your body to someone else is a heady feeling, especially when you're under a lot of outside stress." Simon lay back and snuggled in close to Mal.

"Outside stress? You were what, twenty?" Mal snorted in disbelief.

"Eighteen. And you have no idea." Simon said defensively, raising his head to glare at Mal. "My parents expected me to become a brilliant medical doctor. My instructors expected me to perform at the same level as students five and six years older than I was. And those same students expected me to fall flat on my face. Finding someone who seemed to accept me for who I was, and who could make me feel so… free…, who told me it was all right to let go of everyone else's expectations and let someone else take control… Well, like I said, it's a heady feeling."

"Hunh. So if the restraining you wasn't abuse, what was?" Mal hugged Simon lightly, in silent apology.

"When he started 'disciplining' and hurting me without my consent, and wouldn't stop no matter what I said. After the first time, I tried talking to him about it, told him I didn't like it and asked him not to do it again. That just made him angrier and brought on more severe 'discipline' for questioning his authority. And by that time I was so used to following his orders that I didn't know I didn't have to submit to what he was doing. Yes, I struggled, but ultimately I gave in and let him do what he wanted. And believe me, giving in to him, to the extent I did, is not something I'm happy about, but it's over and past. Nothing I do now will change what happened then. All I can do is not let it happen again." Simon hugged Mal tightly. 

Mal dropped a kiss on the top of Simon's head before asking, "And didn't you say somethin' 'bout pleasure from the pain?" 

" _Unwanted_ pleasure. Yes. There are people, as I'm sure you are aware, who 'get off' on giving or receiving pain. Obviously, he was one; but I'm _not_. Too, I've since learned that there's a big difference between consensual discipline with a loving partner and the abuse he put me through. It's not something I want to experience, but at least now I know they're not the same."

"Then why did you…?"

"Physiological response. There's a fine line in the pleasure/pain nerve receptors that, once crossed, causes the body to feel pleasure instead of pain, whether or not the mind wants to."

"Hunh. What 'bout the other things?"

"What, you mean the kissing, fucking and knowing I'd pleased him?" Simon turned and straddled Mal's lap.

Looking into Simon's smiling eyes, Mal nodded his head.

Simon leaned down and kissed Mal before sitting up again. "I still get pleasure from those things, but now it's because I do them with you. Don't you get pleasure from the same things?"

"Yeah, _liànrén_ , I do." Mal pulled Simon back down for a slow, wet kiss.

"I thought so." Simon leaned his forehead against Mal's. "So, did I answer all your questions? Are you satisfied?"

"Not so sure I understand yet, but yeah, you answered all my questions. Thank you."

"You're welcome, love. And if you'd ever like to understand on a more personal level, you let me know. I'd love to make you come unglued." Simon grinned at Mal.

Mal twisted, lowering Simon to the bed and lying on top of him. "Doubt it'll ever come to that, but I'll be sure to let you know." He reached up to turn out the light before leaning down and kissing Simon passionately.

* * *

_liànrén_ = lover  
_húndàn_ = bastard


	9. Turning the Tables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal needs help letting go. Takes place in February 2520.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.

* * *

**Turning the Tables**

As time passed, and he went about his daily routine, Mal found himself thinking about Simon's revelations at odd moments.

Yelling mock-grumpily at Kaylee and River to slow down as they chased each other up the catwalk, Mal realized how good it was to hear River shrieking in glee, instead of terror. Her occasional bad spells still sent Simon back into his research in a frenzied attempt to help her. Made Mal admire him even more, knowing what he'd gone through himself, the selfless way he gave up everything to care for her. Thinking about her slow recovery from the broken girl she'd been when she arrived, he wondered how long it had taken Simon to put himself back together. 

Staring out into the black during the middle of ship's night, Mal remembered the other part of his conversation with Simon. He was no innocent. He'd heard of BDSM, and was vaguely familiar with what it was. Hadn't realized, though, how much of it was involved in his and Simon's relationship. He'd just been operating on instinct, trying to get Simon to let go when he got wound too tight. 

After a particularly tough negotiation with an untrustworthy client, during which it looked like the deal might fall through, leaving them short on supplies again, Mal thought about how he never trusted anyone anymore, except maybe Zoë. Wasn't even sure how much he trusted Simon. Sure, he'd opened up enough to tell Simon about his nightmares - sometimes - but there were still so many things he hadn't told him. Wasn't sure he'd ever be able to. He'd kept them buried so deep, for so long, that if he brought them out now, they just might break him. And he didn't know if he trusted Simon enough to pick up the pieces if that happened.

When a different job went south, and they had to make another fast getaway, Simon was right there, dealing with the resultant injuries without fuss, making Mal realize that he relied on Simon the same way he relied on Zoë, to be there in a crisis to handle whatever went down with sangfroid and grace. But Simon counted on him for more, so much more. Mal was used to people depending on him. He'd been a leader his entire adult life. No, people counting on him, looking to him for guidance, that didn't bother him none. But the level of honesty, openness, of downright trust that Simon had shown - that scared him. Scared him because it practically screamed for the same honesty and openness in return, and he didn't know if he had it in him to trust that much again. 

Then one night, after watching Simon fall apart for him before drifting off to sleep, Mal lay there, holding Simon in his arms, and thought about letting go of everything. Mal didn't think he could ever show that much weakness. Except, when Simon let go, he didn't see it as weakness. So why should he feel that way about letting go his own self? Probably came down to control, like Simon had said, and how he'd never let anyone have any more over him than he could help. Didn't like the feeling of helplessness that went along with being under someone else's say so. Especially after that run-in with Niska couple of years back. Being blindfolded and bound while someone caused him pain hadn't been a walk in the park. And yet, he'd done the same to Simon in a fit of pique, although not to the same level. So didn't that make him a two-faced sumbitch? 

It was all just too confusing - and terrifying - and tempting. 

***

Simon was looking for Mal. 

It had been one of those days, and everyone was tense and edgy. He hadn't seen Mal since that morning; but, judging from the crew's mood, everyone else had had run-ins with him at some point during the day. Wash's natural ebullience was dimmed to the point where he hardly said two words at dinner. Kaylee looked like her pet hamster had died, even though she'd never, to Simon's knowledge, owned a hamster. Inara, for all her calm demeanor, had let slip a couple of comments indicating her annoyance with Mal. Book kept giving Simon commiserating glances every time he saw him, while Zoë became more and more stern-faced and withdrawn as the day wore on. Jayne, well Jayne just got grumpier and louder, complaining to anyone within range of his voice about how sick and tired he was of Mal's attitude. 

Mal hadn't even shown up for dinner, which was unlike him, and River had run from the table, screaming something about too much noise, even though no one had been talking at the time. Simon started to follow her out, but Kaylee laid her hand on his arm and shook her head. 

"I'll go to her, Simon. You need to find the cap'n and talk to him."

So there he was, wandering the ship, trying to locate Mal, and having absolutely no success. What had gotten into the man and where was he? Simon knew the last job had gone badly, he'd been there to patch up the wounds, but the one before that had left them flush with coin and supplies, so Mal couldn't be worried about that, could he? After all, it had only been a couple of weeks. They'd gone longer between jobs in the past, with fewer supplies, and less crew frustration. 

He climbed up out of their bunk, wondering again where Mal could be, and resolved to give him a stern talking to when he eventually found him. Or maybe a massage. Usually when Mal got this worked up, and he had to be pretty upset for the crew to be as touchy as they were, it was due to a tension headache. And, since Mal wouldn't usually accept meds, massages helped dissipate the stress he let build past the point of bearing.

As Simon started to make another pass through the ship in his search, he paused at the door of Shuttle Two. He hadn't checked in there before, not thinking it a likely place for the captain to be, but now he wondered. Turning the handle and opening the door, he stepped inside and saw Mal illuminated in the light coming in from the cargo bay. He was sitting slumped over the controls, shuddering.

"Mal?" Simon rushed over, automatically looking him over for any clues as to why he was shaking so hard.

"Simon? Oh, God, Simon." Mal looked up at him with haunted eyes.

"Mal! What's wrong?" Simon dropped to his knees and took Mal's face in his hands, checking for a fever. How could he have gotten…No, he was warm, but not overly so. 

"I can't… I don't… Oh, God, Simon. Please, take it away." Mal pulled away from Simon, crossing his arms over his chest and trying to stop trembling, but failing miserably.

"Take what away? Are you in pain? I can give you a painkiller. Or a massage." Simon's mind raced as he stroked his hands over Mal's thighs, trying to soothe him. He'd never seen Mal this upset and it had him worried.

"No, I… It won't stop. Keeps gettin' all tangled up. Please, Simon. Make it stop?" Mal muttered brokenly as he looked down at Simon.

"Make what stop, love?" Simon asked, once again taking Mal's face in his hands and running soothing fingers across his forehead and down his cheeks.

"The… I don't… Everythin'. Confusion. Doubt. Guilt. Pullin' me every which way. Spinnin' me 'bout. Please. It's too…" Mal closed his eyes, a look of abject misery on his face.

Something clicked in Simon's mind. "Wait. Are you asking me to take control? Help you let go of everything? Is that what you want?"

Mal sighed and nodded his head, his shudders slowing, relief flooding through him that he didn't have to try to explain further.

Simon stretched up and kissed him gently then stood up and backed away. "All right, Mal. But you have to look at me and ask."

Mal took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Looking up at Simon he said, "Please, Simon. Would you… take control? Help me… let go. Just for a little while."

"Since you asked so nicely, yes, love, I will." Simon reached out a hand and cupped Mal's jaw for a moment, running his thumb across Mal's lips, before dropping his hand back to his side. "Go to our bunk, strip, and lie face down on the bed. I'll be there shortly." Mal looked at him for a moment then stood up and walked toward the shuttle door, but stopped when Simon continued, "And, Mal, don't talk to anyone on your way. You've caused enough grief today. Avoid everyone if you can. If you can't, just nod your head and keep going. You can apologize tomorrow."

Mal glanced back at Simon and nodded. Simon arched an eyebrow at him. "You want I should say somethin'?"

"'Yes, Simon,' would be good."

"Yes, Simon." Mal wondered if he should leave.

"Very good. Now go. Remember. I'll be there shortly. And no talking." Simon made shooing motions with his hands and Mal turned to go. 

Once Mal was gone, Simon let out a sigh, running his hands through his hair as he stared out the door, hoping he was up to helping Mal find the same freedom he found in letting go. This wasn't at all what he had expected when he'd made his offer, but if this was what Mal needed, then so be it. He'd do what he could. But first he had to make damn sure Mal wanted this for the right reasons. That guilt comment made him think Mal might be confusing letting go with being punished. Taking a deep breath, he left the shuttle and headed for their bunk. 

***

Simon stepped off of the ladder into their bunk, glancing over at Mal to see that he had, indeed, done as he was told, although he had brought the sheet over his waist, covering himself. Simon shrugged as he removed his vest and shirt. It was a small thing, easily remedied, and the least of his worries right now. Without saying a word he sat in the chair to remove his socks and shoes, watching Mal as he did so. If he didn't know better, he'd think Mal was sleeping. He hadn't moved or made a sound since Simon closed the hatch, but there was a tension in his body and an unevenness to his breathing that told Simon he was awake, and nervous. 

Standing and quietly walking to the bed, he sat down on it and stroked his hand down Mal's back. "Did you run into anyone?"

Mal jumped when Simon touched him then shivered and shook his head.

"Good." Simon continued running his hand up and down Mal's back, trying to ease his anxiety. "Before I can help you, Mal, you need to tell me something. Can you do that?"

"Depends…" Mal's breathing was beginning to even out as he relaxed under Simon's ministrations.

"You need to tell me why you want to let go. You can stay lying this way and keep your eyes closed, or you can turn over and look at me. The choice is yours. But you need to tell me. Can you do that, love?" Simon stopped moving his hand, letting it rest in the small of Mal's back.

Mal took a deep breath and let it out slowly, remaining on his front. "Can try."

"That's all I ask. That you try." Simon reached across the bed for the massage oil that they kept on the shelf. Pouring some into his hands, he began massaging Mal's shoulders. "Start talking."

"Mmm. Feels good." Mal murmured as he felt the knots in his shoulders loosen under Simon's knowing fingers.

"I'm glad, but that's not what I asked you to talk about." Simon continued kneading his way up and down Mal's back, looking for all the sore muscles and relieving the tension in them as he found it.

"Um. Right. Been thinkin' lot past couple o' weeks." Mal groaned when Simon found a particularly sensitive spot.

"Yes? About?" Simon took a moment to soothe the spot, and then continued the massage.

"'Bout what you said… 'bout givin' up control. 'Bout how always thought it was…" Mal hesitated then went on, "weak t'do that. T'be dependent on someone else. But it ain't weak when you do it, 'cause you ain't weak, or dependent. You're strong. Stronger 'n I ever knew."

"Go on." Simon began working on Mal's neck and up to the base of his skull finding the pressure points there. 

Mal sighed with relief as his headache diminished. "Also been thinkin' 'bout trust, … 'n how 'm not sure I trust you as much as you trust me. 'N how scared that makes me. 'Cause I ain't trusted anyone that much for a long time."

"Anything else?" Simon turned his attention to Mal's arms, slowly manipulating his way down to each hand.

"Yeah." Mal paused then sighed and continued, "Been thinkin' 'bout what I did to you, … 'n how 'm not much better 'n Niska."

Simon's hands faltered at that, and all he wanted to do was hold Mal and tell him he wasn't the same at all. But that wasn't what Mal needed, so all he said was "Ah." Taking a moment to pour more oil in his hands, he stood up and stepped to the end of the bed where he began working on Mal's legs. "So, if you've been thinking about all this for two weeks or so, tell me what happened today to bring you to the breaking point."

"Don't rightly know." Mal shrugged slightly. "Bad day kept gettin' worse, so decided to stay outta everyone's way by checkin' over the shuttle. 'Cept when I got in there everythin' came crashin' in on me. Then you found me, and I thought, …"

Simon finished massaging Mal's feet as he said, "Tell me, Mal. What do you think is going to happen here tonight?"

Mal moaned in pleasure as Simon worked the kinks out of his feet. "Not sure." 

Simon walked over to the wash station to clean his hands. Drying them on the towel, he told Mal, "Let me tell you what's _not_ going to happen. I am _not_ going to punish you for anything. I will _never_ hurt you. Not deliberately. So if it's punishment you want, you'll have to look elsewhere for it. And this stops now. You've had a massage, so you should be relaxed enough to sleep well. We can leave it at that, and never talk about it again. Is that what you want? To stop now?"

"No." Mal opened his eyes and looked at Simon, so close but so far away. "Still want to try and let go."

"All right, then, love. Let me tell you what _is_ going to happen." Simon walked back over to the bed, shedding his pants and boxers as he went. "I'm going to tell you what to do, and you're going to do it - without question, without hesitation." Moving the sheet aside he straddled Mal's hips. "I, in turn, am going to make you feel so good you won't remember your own name." He leaned over to whisper in Mal's ear, "I am going to touch you in ways you've never been touched. Before this night is over, I will mark you so often, in so many places, that there will be no doubt in anyone's mind as to what we've been up to. I'm going to fuck you boneless. And, if you're really good, I'll let you return the favor. Is that what you want?"

Mal quivered with desire. "Oh, God, yes."

Simon sat back up. "Good. Now, I want you to keep your hands on the bed and not touch me. Can you do that?"

Mal grinned into the pillow as he said, "Probably can't manage that 'less you tie me up. I like touchin' you too much."

"And I like you touching me. I can restrain you, but are you sure?" Simon bent down and licked along Mal's spine.

"Said restrainin's not about pain. So, yeah. I'm sure." Mal wriggled at the moist heat trailing down his spine.

"All right." Simon got off of the bed, dragged the trunk out from under the bed, opened it and pulled out the chain and leather cuffs. "But I'm not going to blindfold you. If you want to close your eyes, that's fine; however, sensory depravation can be pretty intense, especially the first time, so we'll save that for another time. Sit up." 

Mal turned over and sat up and Simon began hooking the cuffs to his wrists. "If, at any time, you want to stop, just say so." He took Mal's chin in his hand, making eye contact with him. "We'll stop and you can decide if it's a temporary stop. I'm not going to ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, so nothing I plan to do should make you want to stop, but if you do, just say so, _dŏng má_?"

"Yes, Simon." Mal smirked.

Simon smiled and gave him a quick kiss then attached the chain to the cuffs, wrapping it over the bedstead as he did so, forcing Mal to lie back down with his arms above his head. There was enough slack in the chain to allow Mal some movement, but not a lot. "And that's another thing. The only words I want to hear out of your mouth the rest of the night are 'Yes', 'No', 'More', 'Stop', my name, or the name of any deity you feel the need to call upon. Is that clear?" 

Mal looked up at Simon with naked yearning in his eyes. "Yes, Simon."

"Good. Now lie still and let it all go." Simon climbed back on to the bed, straddling Mal's thighs.

* * *

_dŏng má_ = Understand


	10. Letting Go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal puts his trust in Simon. Here there be rimming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.

* * *

**Letting Go**

Mal watched as Simon leaned forward, his hands gently running down Mal's arms before ghosting up his neck and across his face, tenderly caressing his cheeks, nose and lips, then sliding back down his torso towards his hips. He let his eyes drift shut, relaxing into the feeling of Simon's hands on his body.

Mal felt Simon move down the bed, and then Simon's mouth was against his knee and he heard Simon murmur, "Don't come until I tell you to, Mal. Can you do that for me?"

"Think so." Mal moaned as Simon's hands roamed down his legs.

Simon's hands stopped, and Mal opened his eyes to see Simon looking up at him from between his legs. "Don't think. Just feel. And remember what I said. 'Yes', 'No', 'More', 'Stop', my name, or the name of any deity you feel the need to call upon.' Now, let's try that again. Can you not come until I tell you to?"

"Yes, Simon." Mal answered, hoping he would be able to last. His cock had been twitching since Simon joined him on the bed, but seeing Simon between his legs, and being unable to touch him because of the restraints, had quickly made him hard. He closed his eyes again, trying to stop thinking and lose himself in the sensations Simon was causing.

"Good." He felt Simon's breath against his thigh, tickling the hairs there, and then Simon was nibbling his way up the inside of his thigh, spreading his legs farther apart. Simon's hands were under his knees, and Mal felt the gentle pressure as they were pushed back towards his chest.

He bucked when Simon's warm, wet tongue suddenly licked the entrance to his body. " _Wā cào_!"

The vibrations from Simon's chuckle caused a whole new set of sensations as Simon proceeded to tongue-fuck him until he was moaning and begging for more. Each thrust of Simon's tongue probing deeper, but not deep enough, into his body.

"Oh, God, Simon! More!" Mal's hands were grasping at air.

Simon stopped the exquisite torture and asked, with laughter in his voice, "More? Are you sure?" 

" _Tiān a_ , yes!" Mal jerked, startled, when he felt massage oil dribbled on him, and then moaned with pleasure as Simon slowly teased his cock and balls before finally slipping an oil-coated finger into him. 

"Do you like this, Mal?" Simon's voice sounded low and husky, as he continued to leisurely finger-fuck Mal.

Mal felt himself being stretched and opened as Simon gradually increased the number of fingers in his ass, the occasional brush against his prostate causing him to writhe in ecstasy. " _Wŏ de tiān a_! Yes, Simon!"

He felt bereft when Simon pulled his fingers out, and whimpered in discomfort when Simon moved his legs back down on the bed. He opened his eyes to see Simon looking at him tenderly.

"Shh, love. I know." Mal felt ripples of desire run through him as Simon caressed his chest, and he closed his eyes again when Simon leaned down to lave attention on his nipples. He arched up, straining to touch Simon. "I'm not done with you." Simon's hands skimmed up Mal's arms and his lips were on his neck, sucking at the sensitive spot near his shoulder, marking him as promised. Mal moaned as Simon sat back up. "Flip over onto your knees, head down, so I can fuck you properly."

Mal hesitated. He'd never allowed anyone to fuck him before and still wasn't sure about allowing it now. But wasn't that what this was about? Giving up control and letting someone else take over for a little while. 

As he lay there debating, Simon asked, "Do you want to stop?" 

Looking up at Simon, and seeing nothing but love and desire in his eyes, Mal let everything go. "No, Simon." He rolled over onto his stomach then pulled himself up onto his knees and rested his head on his arms. His cock ached with the need to come. He was so close to climaxing he didn't know how much longer he could wait, but he had to try, because Simon wanted him to.

Simon's hand was on his back, soothing him with long, slow strokes. "You're doing beautifully, love. Hold on for just a bit longer. I want to be in you when you come. I'm almost ready to fuck you. Just have to get myself slick. Can you hear that, Mal? Can you hear me getting myself ready for you?"

Mal was beyond speech. He moaned and nodded his head. Not only could he hear Simon, but he could imagine as well, and the images were causing him to ache even more. 

Finally, Simon's hands were on his hips, and he could feel the head of Simon's cock at his entrance, slowly penetrating him. _Relax and breathe, Reynolds. Nothing but good's gonna happen. Relax. Breathe. Don'tcomeDon'tcomeDon'tcome._

An eternity of aching need later and all he could feel was Simon filling him completely. It felt wonderful. He'd never known how good it would feel to let go of all his worries and concerns and just feel. It was no wonder Simon gave up control to him without question. On that thought, he heard Simon ask, "Are you ready, Mal?"

A deep breath and a nod of his head, and Simon's hands on his hips tightened as he began the rhythmic movements they both desperately needed. 

_Out and in. Out and in. Harder! Faster! Please! Need!_

Skin slapped against skin as their hips pumped back and forth, gaining speed and power with each thrust. Their breathing came heavier and faster, both panting and moaning as they moved closer and closer to orgasm. Sweat dripped on Mal's back and down his face. Simon's hand closed around his cock, stroking him just the way he liked it, thumb sliding across the tip, pulling, squeezing, twisting. 

_So close! Please!_

"Come for me, Mal." Simon bit down on his shoulder and he gave an inarticulate shout, coming harder than he ever remembered doing before. His ass pulsing around Simon's cock, his own cock growing limp in Simon's hand, he trembled from the force of his release. It was all he could do to stay upright as Simon continued to pump in and out of him. 

Suddenly, Simon shouted and thrust deep into him, and he felt Simon's cock throb in climax.

Simon's weight on Mal's back as he collapsed was too much for Mal, and he fell to the bed, bringing Simon with him. They lay there for a few minutes, catching their breath, until Simon slowly withdrew.

Mal grumbled inarticulately at the loss of contact, and Simon's hand was immediately there, caressing him, soothing him.

"Are you okay, Mal?" The bed shifted as Simon settled next to Mal.

"Yes, Simon." Mal turned to face Simon, opening his eyes and smiling at him. "Thank you."

"My pleasure, love." Mal lay there quiescent as Simon leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss then reached up to unhook the restraints, checking his wrists as he did so. He was barely aware when Simon pulled him into his embrace, but felt the kiss Simon dropped on the top of his head.

"D'I get to fuck you?" Mal asked sleepily.

"You were really good, so yes, you do." Mal felt Simon's chuckle rumble through his chest.

"Good. Nap first, though." Mal yawned and snuggled in closer to Simon.

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

_Wā cào_ = Holy fuck  
_Tiān a_ = Oh, god  
_Wŏ de tiān a_ = Oh, my god


	11. Choosing to Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has a choice to make. Just a short little epilogue taking place about a month after the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> Edited to replace bǎobèi with qíngrén.

* * *

**Choosing to Trust**

Simon was once again standing in the middle of the bunk he shared with Mal. This time, though, he was, for the moment, fully clothed. Mal had just asked him a question, and he was trying to come to a decision.

Mal was standing patiently in front of him, the red satin tie they normally used as a blindfold, the black silk tie they used as a gag, and the chain and leather cuffs lying on the bed near them. Simon didn't mind the ties. It was the chain and cuffs that made him pause. It had been such a long time since he willingly allowed himself to be restrained, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to travel down that road again.

He knew he needed to let go. He could feel the pressure building inside of him and knew if he couldn't find a safe way to release it, it would come out in other, uglier, ways. He didn't want that. He wanted to let go here in the safety of their bunk, but restraints? Was he ready? Could he give up that much control to Mal? Without saying a word, he looked up at Mal, letting all his doubt and confusion show in his eyes.

Mal cupped Simon's face in his hands. "You don't have to do this, _qíngrén_." He kissed Simon gently then pulled him into his embrace, holding him lightly as he continued, "I jus' thought… hoped… since you helped me… that… maybe… I could help you. But, if you're not ready, you don't have to. It's your choice."

Simon stood quietly in Mal's arms, his head against Mal's chest, listening to the steady heartbeat, as he remembered the night he had helped Mal let go of everything and lose control. Watching Mal come unglued had only heightened his own pleasure that night. He knew Mal only had his best interests at heart, and he trusted him implicitly, but still… He pulled back slightly to look at Mal. "You won't hurt me?"

"Never again, _qíngrén_. Not on purpose." Mal rested a hand against Simon's jaw, tracing the curve of his cheekbone with his thumb before running it across Simon's lips.

Simon leaned into the hand on his face, enjoying Mal's touch. "Can we save the ties for later? Start with only the restraints? I'm not sure I…" 

Placing his fingers on Simon's mouth, Mal reassured him, "Whatever you want, or don't want, is fine."

"And you'll stop if I ask you to?" Simon asked hesitantly.

"Always." Mal bent down and nibbled at Simon's lower lip then grinned and said, "Course I'm not gonna ask you to do anythin' that makes you uncomfortable, so nothin' I plan to do should make you wanna stop, but if you do, just say so, _dŏng má_?"

Simon smiled at having his own words repeated back to him then took a deep breath and stepped determinedly away from Mal. He looked up at Mal trustingly, held out his hands, and said, "Yes, Mal."

* * *

_qíngrén_ = lover/sweetheart  
_dŏng má_ = Understand


End file.
